I'm Sorry Mama
by smithyfan
Summary: Set about three months after Bree left Andrew. Andrew writes a letter home. Please R


**Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise okay! I don't own desperate housewives, otherwise I wouldn't be doing these crappy exams! I also don't own the quote from Elie Wiesel. The title is taken from the chorus of Eminem's Cleanin' Out My Closet which I don't own either as I am not Eminem!**

**A/N Arghhh okay I promised I wouldn't write during my exams but this is the second time I've broken it! I wanted to write on An Old Face but can't give it the attention it needs so I've settled for a crappy oneshot and thinking up bits of An Old Face in my head, yes once during an exam (I'm so going to fail!) So instead of English revision I wrote this to try and flush out my cravings! It's set three months ish after Bree left Andrew and it's a letter he writes to her. Andrew is pretty OOC because people change and this might just be a wakeup call for him!**

Dear Mom,

Don't just rip this up, please. Just read it. I promise it's not a letter begging you let me back or anything. I just need to say this.

Firstly I hope that you and Danielle are well. I'm writing this from a motel. It's not as bad as sounds! I've got a job as well. It's really not like me at all. But the past three months have been a big learning experience. I understand why you hate me. I think. I know I'd hate me. Let's face it, I was a shit. Sorry but it's the only word that fits my behaviour. I'm trying to start again but to do so I need to let go of my old life and that's what this letter is kinda for. But mainly it's because I want to explain to you why I did all the things I did. But I don't know if I can. I'll try.

When you were a kid were you ever been punished for something you didn't do? I expect you were. It sucks doesn't it? But once you've had the punishment its over. But I bet you've never been truly hated. I know I said I did but I now know I didn't really. I want you to know that. And even if you have been hated, have you ever been hatedfor something that you have no control over. No matter how much you want to change it? If you have, I sympathise with you. Did you know that there are people at school who I've never spoken to, yet they give me looks in the corridor? The same look I saw in _your_ eyes. And that look tore through me and almost ripped me apart.

It was like, how can I explain this? You know how when you have tooth out, they numb your mouth? Well it's like that, I had to block out my feelings to put myself back together.

Then the dentist rips the tooth from your gum but your mouth is still numb and you can bite a chunk out of your lip and not feel it. The thing is for me the feelings never came back and like when your mouth is numb you can pretend its not you're mouth you're biting, I was able to kid myself anything because I could block it all out.

But then after a few hours the anaesthetic wears off and you feel all the pain from your missing tooth, and then from where you stupidly, repeatedly bit your mouth. So you take an aspirin but the pain still comes back between aspirin doses until your mouth heals.

So when you left me it was like finally the anaesthetic wore off and the feelings came back and flooded me. But, metaphorically, I took aspirins and blocked it out again. Every now and then, they'd flush up again but I'd push them back down. Until eventually it didn't work any longer, it was like I was immune to the aspirin, and I found I had deal with it.

Did that make sense? I've just read it back, and it's a bit muddled, let me try again simply. I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me. And I did, but for some reason I couldn't see it. And I wanted you to hate me. It sounds crazy but it's true. I knew that you hated that I was gay. And I felt that I'd rather you hated me for of all the horrible things I'd done than because of something that is such as small part of me and that I couldn't change even if I wanted to. I was so obsessed with my mission to hurt you and give you reason to hate me I couldn't see that I'd gone too far. And I was consumed with self hatred too. I hated myself for making my own mother hate me. All this made me oblivious to the world around me. And in the end, the ways that you tried to make up.

This brings me unavoidably to the subject that so far I have avoided. Justin. Justin was the one person who kept me close to anything resembling sane. It was almost like I was a different person with him. Yet whenever I was with him my underlying mission to hurt you was always there getting in the way. You told me that I was never to see him again, that he wasn't welcome in our house. And that made me think I hated you more. And just like I did everyone else, I manipulated and used him. I can see it now. But I did love him. Do love him I suppose. I never told him you know? I knew he loved me but I never said it back. He text me a lot after I left, still does a bit. Said he heard I'd run away. I guessed that was the story you would put round. He was mad at me for not saying bye. I couldn't text him back, I just, couldn't. I watched him a bit. I watched you and Danielle too. I know! It was unhealthy, not to mention creepy and stalker like. But I did miss him. Ironic, I treat you all like shit but when I was alone I realised I needed you. I don't know why he loved me. I don't understand why he stuck around, why he put up with me. If I ever see him again I'll ask him.

Could you do something for me? I don't deserve it, but Justin does, he deserves to know. If you see him, tell him. Tell him why you threw me out, about Peter. He should know that. And tell him I love him, that I'm sorry and that he deserved better. He's a great guy, he really is. He always listened and never judged. He didn't agree with what I was doing but he respected my choice and tried to make things better. He probably should have stopped me, but that sounds like I'm blaming him and I'm not. You'd have liked him if you got to know him better, except that he's gay, yeah maybe not. But other than that you really would. Oh and I should probably tell you, if you haven't already figured it out, it wasn't your slap that gave me those bruises, I got Justin to punch me. I knew he didn't want to yet I made him do it. God I hate myself.

Well I have to go to work soon so I'd best finish this letter. I just want to say I'm so sorry Mom. I hate 1 how much I hurt you and how I caused you so much pain. And I also want you to know that no matter what I said before, I know you really loved Dad. I saw you laying flowers at his grave on his birthday. I watched you and Danielle leave before laying my own. I know you can never love me, I don't deserve it anyway.

But maybe one day in the future I'll see you somewhere, on the street, at the mall or maybe even at Dad's grave and I hope that we can reach some sort of peace. But until then I'll settle for saying I'm sorry and I love you. I remember you saying that the opposite of love isn't hate its indifference. An author called Elie Wiesel said that didn't he? And you know what? You and him were right, hate and love are so close and so often the hate just conceals the love making the two almost interchangeable.

I'm going to be late if I don't end this letter now and stop dragging it out. So I'm sorry, I love you and I understand why you did what you did. And please tell Justin what I said before. I might write to him one day to try and explain. Give my love to Danielle.

Andrew

**A/N So there you go that was basically for me but I thought I might as well post it. I have ideas for AOF and promise to update after exams. I'd better go and revise now, please review, it makes me happy to read them and I need happiness as I just failed a biology exam! That's all from me for now love ya xxx**


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